Soap and Blood

A warning for those who like me, detest soap operas.


I broke my nose today,
While sitting home alone,
I turned a deathly grey,
When I smashed my septum bone!

It’s really rather odd,
The way it came about,
As I sat here on my todd,
My feet swelled up wae gout!

I really hate those soaps,
Wae their lang wan greetin face,
Disaster and nae hopes,
They’ve no’ a saving grace!

But the intros they’re the worst,
When yon jingles fill the room,
It makes ma bottom burst,
Foretellin’ doom and gloom.

So I sat down wae ma read,
And cast aff woes and care,
I felt ma stress recede,
Jist like ma lang gone hair!

But I’d kept the telly low,
Wan ear kept on the news,
In case that they wid show,
Some bits o’ Celtic views.

Direction to readers….Deep sombre voice here please

But then disaster loomed,
Tae bust ma peace and quiet,
Satanic musak boomed,
It nearly caused a riot!

I dashed for the remote,
As the ‘Neighbours’ racket boomed,
Jist one mair blinkin’ note,
Ma sanity was doomed!

But in my rush of panic,
Made one step and nae mair,
I sunk like the titanic,
My nose crashed on the flair.

I thought this was the end
As the pain shot through ma heid,
The front door then opened,
Ma kin thought I was deid!

And then they started moanin’
Laughin’ at ma plight,
Though blooded I lay groanin’,
Ma scuddy bared tae sight.

Forgetting where I’d sat,
A memory that rankles,
I’d tripped upon the mat,
Wae ma trousers round ma ankles!

Lesson!

If you hate soaps and you are going to read in the loo wae the door open, don’t leave the telly on BBC1.